Today's reflection is supposed to focus on whether or not today's class was as taxing and trying as it was during the first day. Honestly, I think it is, but not because the rapport between Janice and myself is still not good, but because Kelly and I literally had to start over with a new student, Alison. Our student, Janice, was absent today, and it just to happened that one of our classmates, Carissa, was also absent, leaving her Alison with the two of us.

Today was not my best day, even if I expected it to be. I expected today to be very comfortable -- I knew Janice enough, and at the same time I was also prepared for whatever mood swings she may have. Our lesson plan, and the activities Kelly and I prepared, were tailored to Janice in both ability and interest. And so to suddenly have a new student to teach, one who is a lot quieter than the already-quiet Janice, and one who has not warmed up to us and who we have not warmed up to, was a very, very frustrating challenge I don't think I was able to succeed at.

At first, Kelly and I tried using the interactive story book, but because this was impromptu and we quite literally pulled it out of our folders, we were underprepared for it and didn't have the appropriate materials or background knowledge for it. I spent half the time worried whether or not Alison enjoyed it, and whether she was able to follow. However, when we tried the syllable cards she was able to read all of the words we presented to her -- some with help, others on her own. At this point I was still mentally freaking out, because first of all Alison was very quiet for most of the lesson and when I asked her what she already knew she didn't reply, so I had no idea what she did and didn't know. It's a good thing I really planned to recap everything we took up this week and so I was prepared with syllable cards from M to L, but still -- this was my first time teaching her and I had no idea what she did and didn't like, let alone her abilities.

The only time she warmed up to me and Kelly was when we started making origami birds and fish. Seeing how she responded well to them, I attempted to integrate letters and reading into it by asking her what she had just made, then writing "ibon" and "isda" on the whiteboard so she could attach the words to the origami. Still, I don't think we read as much as I would've liked to, and in our panic, Kelly and I forgot the lesson we had prepared for "O".

I think above all, what I learned today is really that different students need different things, they like different things and they learn best given different environments. Personally, I learn best when I'm given the chance to physically re-write things, and when I myself want to do well -- when I pressure myself. I learn best with words, with readings and essays that describe concepts in detail, as opposed to just lectures or just short notes. Otherwise, I won't learn as much as I would have. And these kids are just like me -- their lessons really need to be tailored to their needs. I think the main reason why I was so flustered a while ago was because of that -- I wanted Alison to learn something, but I didn't know how she could do that most effectively.

I prepared for, and came to, today's class optimistic -- the past two sessions had been pretty good, and had left me with many realizations and skills re-learned. Plus, I was confident that I knew Janice well enough to know what she likes and what she's capable of. However, for part of today's hour and a half with Janice, I felt a bit lost and discouraged because while she responded well to the dice as usual, as well as the new storybook Kelly and I made for her, I could sense her boredom with the coloring activity, which spilled over to the reading portion, probably the most important part of the class.

Which is why, during the short processing after, I tried to think of what went wrong, and I remembered that today was the first time Janice said, after coloring a tiny fraction of a coloring page we gave her, that she didn't want to color anymore. This is a really stark contrast to the last Monday and Tuesday, when she'd get really excited when she was given the chance to color. This observation led to the realization that I can't keep doing the same things every day, that while Janice responded well to coloring in the past, it's not a certainty that she'll keep liking it. Today, I think, was a signal to me that I have to keep changing -- that while a routine is important to enforce a sense of regularity, monotony is not the way to teach that. Our preferences change as much as our routines remain, and that's really something I have to keep in mind when I prepare for a lesson, and when I teach Janice.

The question posed for today's blog entry was whether or not we now share goals with our student, and I don't think Janice and I are on the same wavelength just yet. I'm trying to find my ground in teaching as much as Janet is trying to find hers in reading, and before I can help her with her reading, I have to fix my teaching. I do think, however, that the goals I set for myself last Tuesday were somewhat fulfilled -- I managed to focus today's lesson on a story, and I managed to integrate Janice's creativity through the story book, but her preferences shifted. But I think catching those shifts in preference, and being prepared enough to shift along with them, is the last step before we're finally on the same page as far as goals are concerned. Once I knock some sense into myself though, I really do want to focus on reading even more words and introducing new ones to Janice. Hopefully that happens by Monday next week!

Today's class was a lot more difficult that yesterday's, but I took away much more today, on both the practical and abstract levels.

As I was thinking over the guide questions that ma'am Juachon gave us in class a while ago, I realize that my goals for today's class weren't really clear-cut, but they were very much present. Like I said in yesterday's entry, I found myself going back to coloring and cutting and drawing and lots of crafty things, after two years of mountains of reading and papers. It was a refreshing change for me because I do enjoy doing these things, and knowing that Janice enjoyed coloring and enjoyed the materials I had prepared yesterday, I wanted to do that again. First and foremost, given the limited time between receiving the LP and the class itself, I wanted to come to class with complete materials, and with a mastery of the LP. I achieved that, but I think the more important part of my goal was to make new materials she would enjoy as much as the ones yesterday.

I think, to a certain extent, I myself succeeded with the activity I prepared. Seeing as Janice responded well to the cube I made for yesterday's lesson, I used it again today as the main game for the lesson on "i". Instead of yesterday's game where she had to identify what letter multiple pictures started with, today's cube focused on pictures depicting words starting with the letter "i". First I read the six words to Janice, then I removed the words from the cube and told her to toss the cube. Based on the face it landed on, I then told her to identify the correct word and stick it on the picture. This was the cube (part of it, at least):

However, Kelly and I were teaching Janice and Kelly's game, which entailed using tangrams to form fish and birds, was too complicated for Janice and we noticed that she became frustrated because of the difficulty. I think it was also partially my fault because had I realized earlier that tangrams were far too advanced for Janice, I should have told Kelly and we could have thought of a different game.

Janice's goals were more clear-cut -- first, to be able to grasp the sound and reading of "i", and second, to have fun while doing that. I think, to a certain extent we were able to start on achieving those goals during today's class, but we weren't able to really see them through to completion. Janice knows how to write "i", she knows, to a certain extent, how to read it, and to pronounce it as well, and we worked on a word she had difficulty pronouncing, "misa", which she eventually managed to read on her own, but what slowed down our momentum was really the tangram. After we played the tangram her mood drastically changed out of frustration and Kelly and I did try to get her to be more responsive again, and to a certain extent she opened up a bit more, but we couldn't make her extremely enthusiastic again, nor could we go back to the lesson.

However, what that situation taught me was really how to improvise, to always be prepared, and also to really take notice of everything that happens during class time -- what Janice likes, what she doesn't, how she responds to the activities. They will come in handy, and today's class was testament to just how much I have to really pay attention to everything that happens in class, amidst the chaos and stress. I remembered how much she enjoyed the memory game yesterday, and so instead of letter her lose concentration or not do anything that had to do with a lesson, I thought of playing it again today. At least it had to do with the lessons, even if it was yesterday's and not today's. She cheered up, yes, but before we knew it she had to go home already. At least she was hesitant about leaving, to the point where her older sister was already standing beside her, waiting.

Knowing all of this, my preparations for this Thursday will take into consideration more creative games -- we can't be playing memory games or coloring in pictures forever. I need to think of creative, but active games that we can play, and games which heavily incorporate the lesson. I put in a lot of effort for the materials I used yesterday and today, and I want to exert the same amount of effort, if not more, on the ones for Thursday. Of course there's always a risk that Janice may not like my experiments with creative activities, so I think what I'll do is I'll always have ready one game that she really liked in the past, like the memory game which we used yesterday in today, in case my experiments do fail. Unlike today though, I'll probably tweak it in order to add the lesson for the day, in addition to the version that was first used.

 Also, seeing what my classmates did and hearing ma'am Juachon's suggestions, I also want to focus on the story more. I've been using the story, but more as a way of introducing the letter and I didn't really integrate it into the entire lesson. I think it would be better if I tell the story first, and have the lesson take off from the vocabulary and context of it. But of course, it has to be creative, and knowing Janice a bit more, it has to entail some kind of coloring or drawing. :D

A lot of things happened today, most of them happening before we even met the kids, but it was an experience that required me to be prepared for the unexpected. The LP for the lesson came later than I expected, and when I started working on the materials yesterday I found myself practically shoved into making materials and exercises, things I thought I'd never have to do after high school. It was a good feeling though, re-visiting activities that carried both fond and sad memories for me, but it was an even better feeling when my efforts were appreciated by Janice, the bright girl Kelly and I taught today.

However, my biggest realization today was how we are really worlds apart from these kids, not only in terms of living environments, but also in terms of knowledge. Seeing what Janice could and couldn't do, what she could and couldn't read or write really showed me, to my face, that the literacy problem not only exists, but is rampant. But beyond that, I also noticed that Janice was actually very enthusiastic about learning -- she read along to everything we taught her today, when things went flying she'd run and pick them up -- and above all, she wasn't afraid of making mistakes or saying "di ko alam", she'd say it while smiling.

Janice's enthusiasm is a mindset that I think is very important for any learner, regardless of level, because it's a mindset I never had as a kid. I had so many expectations growing up, as the daughter of professors, as a UP student, as the youngest in a family of UP-bred scholars. And ultimately, I think it's that pressure and those expectations that hindered my learning. I may have qualified for Diliman, I may constantly be US or CS standing, but even up to now I'm terrified of making mistakes, I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing in class, and in turn I neither improve or learn unless I know I'm good at it. But Janice wasn't afraid of making mistakes, and seeing that was kind of a "eureka" moment for me. My fear of mistakes not something I can change overnight, because as I said, it's a mindset formed by years of fear, but teaching Janice today is probably the first step in a long, long journey.

Today's visit around the homes of our future students was an experience that I think really put things into perspective for me, even more than classroom lectures did. It made me aware and thankful of what I have, and more so the things I can do with what I have.

Like I said in class a while ago, I spent my entire life in UP. I spent my entire life being reminded of the fact that everyone, from the richest of the rich, all the way to the poorest of poor, paid for my education. They paid for my education, they paid for my parents' salaries, and they are the reason why I live a comfortable life. But seeing how the same people lived made me realize that I really do need to pay them back. I realized that even if they weren't exactly the dregs of the earth, they're still not in the best condition, while I go home to a house my parents own, I can afford to go out with my friends and buy nice things. Sure, I see those kinds of things in the movies, and I pass through areas like that a lot, but to actually experience what it's like inside -- that really made a difference.

I've always been reminded of the value of serving the country, of making something of myself because so much was invested in me, and in my foundations for the future, but before today, I never really knew how I'd get that done. I'd already thought about possible ways back in high school and even in college, and my conclusion back then was always that I'd pay back by succeeding in something I loved. I thought that was enough, and I also thought that it was better than forcing myself to go into politics or social work that I didn't really have any interest in. If I wasn't interested, I wouldn't do it well and that would be the opposite of giving back to the country that provided for me. But hearing firsthand about the impact and influence that an institution, and a program like Iclip has on underprivileged areas like the ones we visited, it dawned on me that my initial plan was simply not enough.

Experiencing and hearing about the lives of the people we visited kind of gave me a slap on the face and opened my eyes to the fact that there are people who, despite having jobs and wanting to work or go to school, are still in poverty, and yet these people still sent me to school. I realized that LTS would be the way I'd show my deepest, more sincere gratitude towards them. This is the balance between my passion for reading and writing, and my duty to serve the country -- and all it took for me to figure that out was today's visit.

Today gave me that overwhelming want to serve the country and pay back the people who put my education before their own children's, and I feel that I really needed that push. I still have reservations about teaching, especially because of the language, and I'm still insecure about my abilities as an instructor, but I'm now more enthusiastic than ever, and I think enthusiasm will take me far. Look how far it took my writing. :D