In my first post on this blog for LTS1, I said that I wanted to try teaching. Even if I had more or less decided that I didn't want to teach for a living, I wanted to try it before I completely rule it out of my future plans. I wanted to try it because so many things in my life point me to it, and continue to, even taking LTS1 in the first place.

This entire attempt of mine at teaching was one I earnestly went about -- I put in my work this summer, and even if it would've been easy to slack off, I didn't. I enjoyed myself, I enjoyed revisiting my own childhood and the things I liked best about it, I enjoyed sharing my knowledge of and love for reading to such an enthusiastic, bright student as Janice. I enjoyed seeing the progress she made, not only in what she could do, but what she wanted to do. I enjoyed making materials, because it brought out a crafty side of me that I'd been wanting to channel (especially for the last day!).

And most of all, just the thought of potentially leaving a positive impact on a kid's life was enough to make me go to class every time, genuinely enjoying what I was doing.

But now I know that teaching is not for me. It's not something I desperately want to do for the rest of my life, unlike writing. I know that now, and I know that my resistance to the family profession is not without basis, because I can say that I was a teacher once, no matter of incapable.

To me, this summer, and my entire LTS experience, is a successful attempt. It's successful precisely because through this experience allowed me to decide on my future, it allowed me to eliminate one big "what if". But in another sense, it's also successful because I think that while I was debating with myself on my hopes and ambitions, I helped build someone else's future. I've done that before through my writing -- a close writer friend of mine who contributes for a major editorial/opinion-based website told me that I was the reason why she began writing. But somehow, this LTS experience felt different. In a good way.

I never expected my last blog post to be the last one about my experience teaching Janice, but it was. Day 8 rolled around and I was approached by Clares, Almira's student, who told me Janice had caught chicken pox. Of four at first I was worried because I haven't had chicken pox and I didn't know what to do when Janice came back. (because apparently that's when chicken pox is contagious?) But another thing I didn't expect was for Janice to not be well yet on the last day.

One thing I'm thankful for though, is that I had a bit more time to reflect on what happened this summer, as well as other distractions, mainly preparing for the last day which ma'am put me and Kelly in charge of.

I honestly don't think I understand the gravity of what I did this summer, even if it may not have seemed like such a ground-breaking thing. But looking back on it now, and looking back at how a love for reading was fostered in me, it's a really, really good feeling. My love for reading came mainly from my family -- from my parents who combined parenting and teaching, and my aunt who had a passion for reading. The difference is, Janice most likely did not have what I had. And I guess to a certain extent, because of that I unconsciously tried to strive to be all of that for Janice -- I strove to become good friends with her, I strove to teach her effectively, and I strove to show her how much I loved reading, and to show her that she could not only read, but enjoy it as well.

Our time together may have been cut short, but I honestly think that I did what I could, and I did it sincerely and to the best of my abilities. I'm back living my privileged life, she's back living hers, but I hope I had an impact on her, somehow.

Before LTS, I thought I knew more about teachers' sacrifices than the ordinary non-teacher. After all, my parents are teachers so I've seen the problems they have to face every day. But seeing other people teach, and actually teaching, are two really different things. Yesterday's class hit me over the head with that, in addition to draining me physically.

I had come into yesterday's class with an lp I fitted for Janice, and I followed it, but when I reached the last item, I realized that we had only spent half an hour for everything. I scrambled to think of something, and I did, but it was like time passed really slow. So for the last 5 minutes or so, I asked Janice what she wanted to do the following day, and asked her if she wanted to make stars out of popsicle sticks. She said yes, and Almira and I decided to make it like a starting review for both Janice and Clares as a way to make Janice more active, and placate Clares who has apparently started to get bored of reading. So Almira and I bought and prepared the materials yesterday after LTS. And as I write this on Tuesday morning, I've only finished preparing 3/4 of my materials for Janice, and I still need to think of a game.

It's like all the effort I've been exerting on the materials has finally caught up on me, and I'm just really drained. If during the past few weeks I realized that I needed to make an effort on the materials, now I realize that while I do need to do so, I shouldn't push myself either. I must look really fatigued, because my mom asked me this morning if I wanted to stay home and rest, but I said I couldn't, because I need to be in class today, I need to be in class every day, especially now that I'm handling Janice alone. Which is why I need to pace myself from now on so I don't get sick and miss a class.

My second week of teaching is over, but today was just a big a challenge as all the other days. Just when I thought things would be smoother and I finally found my momentum, I begin handling Janice alone. I've gotten to know her over the past few days, yes, but Kelly has always been there to take care of dead air and I always had her to occupy Janice while I fixed the next activity, or looked for something to do. I can't say I wasn't aware of the fact that I would eventually have to handle Janice alone, I just didn't expect it to be this difficult.

Thankfully, I only had to deal with my own issues because while Janice did ask me where Kelly was going and even if she did space out and look towards the others once or twice, for the most part she was cooperative with everything I made her do. I made her read a lot of words, and I began asking her to write things down, but what I lacked today was a game. I made a paper doll and several clothes so Janice could play dress-up, which was supposed to be my main game for the day (to teach the words bihis, babae, etc.), but it didn't seem to amuse her as much as I thought it would. (It amused Clares in the other table though! D:)

But beyond my own challenges as a teacher, I also figured out Janice's main problems with reading. If I tell her to write down the letter "B" and say the sound "buh" like we were told to, there are times when she forgets, but when I say the name of the letter as in "bee", she knows it instantly. I want to observe this a bit more before I call it a full-fledged problem, how she can't associate the letter with the sound with the name (because it can get confusing). Another issue I discovered today is how she permanently attaches certain vowels to consonants, mainly "ba". I make her read "bi" as a whole syllable and most of the time she says "bai". I have to break it down most of the time, but when I do she manages to pronounce "b" and "i" correctly. Blending other syllables was not a problem, but blending the letter "b" seems to be an issue. It's not a constant mistake either -- I can tell that when she really thinks about it she does it correctly, but it's not a reflex for her, as it should be. That's what we'll work on next Monday.

Today's class gave me two kinds of boosts -- one from Janice, and one from ma'am. This was the class that tired me out the most, but which, looking back, was also the most fulfilling, for my teaching and for myself, as a student.

As a student, and as someone who had ridiculously high expectations placed on me, over the years I've figured out what makes me work harder. Self-pressure works, yes, genuine initiative also works, but what keeps me enthusiastic about learning after initiative is praise. People assume that because I'm an only child, that because I did everything my family expected of me, that I'm not devoid of praise. But I am. I was devoid of praise because I was expected to do things way beyond my ability, and because I'm the youngest among my cousins, by the time I came around, the standards I had to exceed were very, very high. Getting into UP was not an honor to the rest of my family -- it was a responsibility to the family reputation, and a necessity to my parents. While there are times when having to jump through hoops and fire is beneficial, like now having the chance to receive a UP education, it damaged my self-esteem a lot. Which is why I think praise from my teachers and people who matter in my education is something I really react positively to. Most of the time, I need to be praised before I really start working as hard as I can, and while I was working very hard on last week's lesson, the praise from ma'am Juachon today for the worksheets I prepared and which Kelly also borrowed, was that wake-up call I needed to realize that I can keep working hard and expect not just praise, but good results.

I don't usually start sessions with reading right away, I have Janice color in the star for her attendance chart or we play a visual game, just to get things rolling. But today while she was coloring her star and while I was fixing the syllable cards I had made, she asked me if we were going to read today. This wasn't the first time she asked me that -- last Thursday towards the end of the class she also asked me if we were still going to do any reading -- but I was shocked all the same because I didn't expect her to ask that early on.

That was when what ma'am said about making your students want to read, willingly, really sunk in -- when it was happening to me, and my student. I was taken aback at the time, yes, because I was handling Janice alone for the first time (Kelly had to take over Clares, Almira's student) and I was flustered (though less than I was yesterday) because in my mind I was saying "she wants to read already wait what do I do now." But looking back at it now, this was one of those big breakthroughs that ma'am was talking about -- Janice wants to read, more than she wants to color or draw. Typing that statement out right now made me realize the gravity of her actions today -- she wants to read.

But the other thing ma'am said about how when the breakthrough comes, it's full steam ahead from there, was so, so true. I didn't expect it to be that fast, but Janice's enthusiasm wasn't the only big breakthrough that happened today. When Kelly and I noticed that the tachistoscope was no longer effective and was confusing Janice, we decided to take the suggestion to divide words up into syllables. Over the weekend I made a set of syllable cards, and while I'm not sure if Kelly managed to make a set for herself, I had prepared them for yesterday. While Alison managed to form words, she didn't really take to it as well as I thought. Which is why today, I brought them out again and used them with Janice -- I made her pick one syllable from a small stack, and then pick another syllable to form a word.

At first Janice was just copying the words I'd form, which wasn't really my aim at the beginning but I thought was okay too because at least it meant she could pick out those syllables and read them, but then I introduced three syllables -- I showed her the word "malala", which she read. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, she grabs "ma", "la" and "sa" from the spread of 8 or so syllables and says "malasa" without batting an eyelash or mispronouncing a syllable like she does half the time, and I was utterly shocked. I spent a good portion of the class, and even my time after, freaking out because it meant that all my hard work last week was worth it. But beyond that, it meant that Janice is finally moving forward -- she had the initiative, which she showed at the very beginning, and that translated into her participation without me having to tell her it was her turn to make a word, or ask her if she knew any other words we could form. We still have a long way, she still mispronounces some syllables and permanently attaches vowels to some consonants, but today's breakthrough was a breakthrough in every sense of the word.